Oh how true this statement is... the only problem comes when you thought you knew who WAS worth it only to discover that the one you picked was WRONG. I've learned over the last year (especially in the last year) that my 'picker' is B R O K E N!

So now I sit with the pain and anticipate the aftermath of Hurricane KRAM... I'm gonna lose my dog in the storm as well... aint that just the shit?

Hook, Line and STINKER

ugh.

ACK.

BLECH.

Dare I say.... ICK?? At times, an unequivocal YES.

I just want to be DONE with this shit now.

As I did my hour of cardio yesterday, I thought to myself, 'Self... '(b/c that's how we ALL speak dont we??)...

Sorry, I digress.

Ok, so, '...Maybe I could just pay for this apt by myself for awhile and then go from there....?? Wouldn't that be GREAT!! ??'

(These are the thoughts I have now while doing cardio... not things like "this is so much easier/harder today" or " wow! I can tell my legs are stronger lately", nope. Just thoughts about my present living situation).

I'm trying to cope, really I am.

Take the 'L' out of LOVER and its -----------> OVER!!

This is NOT a place I wanted to be at this point in my life... This is the LAST place I thought I would be.... AGAIN, 10 yrs later. How did I allow this happen? Why is it happening again and what am I to learn from this??

The only difference this time around with this particular boy is that we are more civil and I don't have to leave this time, he's leaving. I am not sure that this spot is any better than the other. I still have to find a roommate, we still are in the process of dissolving the entire rel'p and we have to divide the apartment 'stuff' now: utilities, ancillary items. Oh joy! I get to go back out and buy things like an ironing board, pots, pans, glasses, dishes.... It was only 5 mos ago that I GAVE all of these items away to GoodWill (hunting? shoot me now, pls).

I really had my blinders firmly in place last year when I met this boy! The red flags couldn't have been any bigger nor brighter yet I chose to ignore ignore ignore. Pheromones are a DANGEROUS thing for a nearly 40 y.o female. No excuse I know but FUCK! (and yup, that pretty much sums it up). Not even a cute Beagle-Jack mix could save us, ("... it was a cute little black, white and brown puppy who was responsible for us living together"... ouch. And I thought I wouldn't be hurt by you, I thought that you felt differently about me, that you were WAY more invested in 'this', I thought you WANTED to be here with me, ME... um, not so much!)
I wanted things to be sooooo different but again um, not so much....and yes, I learned the ever-so-important rule that WANTING IT does not make it SO.

Welcome to my very own MAGICAL THINKING...

~thanks Augusten ... YOU ROCK!

You concisely articulated

my thoughts way more

beautifully than I ever could ~

My friends thought I was off my rocker and falling down the rabbit hole at this point and I must say, I really think I was...and I think I still may be:

Delusions anyone?

(Alice? ALICE!!!!)

Here I go again (isn't that the title of a bad, I mean BAD easy listening tune??)

Ever Wake Up With a Song in Your Head?

And No! That doesn't mean I'm hearing voices...

So I'm on this path to fitness... again. And of COURSE Myron's leading me down the path (to self-destruction??? --->grinning). THANK G-D for this man!! He's the only sane thing I got going on in my life right now! My job is a HOT mess, my living situation is a wreck at best, my sisters are both living together in our childhood home again (OMG!!!!), and my friends are ALL getting divorced (that is, EXCEPT for my best friend who has BETRAYED our pact and is now PREGGERS!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!)

Life is TUMULTUOUS!!

But then, there's Myron...! My faithful friend and trainer who waxes philosophical to me at dark 30 when I am laying panting on the floor trying not to puke up my breakfast he has insisted I eat before coming to see him. I know he secretly wishes that I would just BLOW CHOW all over the floor just so he can gloat (hey! it takes one to know one and I feel truly validated when my own clients do it!)

ok... back to work...more tomorrow!

I Dreamt about Rain, So Does That Mean...

Life is so strange right now... So tumultuous and crazy and chaotic. And NOT JUST IN ONE AREA of my life... one I could handle but every area? C'mon!!

I know things will get better but I only have so much hair on my head to pull out... in the meantime, I'm going to train with Myron (I'll fill you in on THAT drama latah!)

ciao!

Life is a bit crazy right now...

And this pix really captures the essence of how I feel right about now... breathing... yup, gotta remember to do that!

I'm having a really tough time with the phone right now... every freaking time it rings I wanna throw the thing against a wall!! I'm afraid to see who it is as I suspect the worse EVERY TIME... its CT or KK calling to tell me the inevitable. But so far so good... no drama from my momma... only supportive friends and loved ones keeping close tabs on me.

THANK YOU!!

If it wasn't for all of you guys, I think I would have fallen off the deep end by now...

I'm BAAACK!!

I've been a BIT busy this summer ... But I'm back n o w.

I'm still planning my photo shoot... it sounds ridiculous b/c I could have taken the pix 17 times already but there was always something: money, time, training, nutrition, and of course mum.

Mum is going to have to come first in all of this right now so my training and shoot will have to take a back seat for the time being. Although I am frustrated by this, I wouldn't consider doing it ANY other way.

For those of you who do not know, my mother is terminal with lung and liver cancer. She was first diagnosed in 1998 with lung cancer and immediately operated on. The docs felt confident that they were able to get just about every cancer cell with the exception of the microscopic cells they were unable to detect. My mother recovered and was still able to use 40 % of her lung capacity. She was to be on O2 for the rest of her life. However, this did not deter her or even slow her down one bit! The woman went out. She drove. She cooked. She cleaned. She gardened out in the yard. And even the death of my father in early '99 could not slow her down. Not until 7 years later...

She was informed in late February '05 that the cancer had come back and was not only in her lungs but had metastasized to her liver. She was given 3 months to live. Again, this did not stop her.

She went in for both radiation and chemotherapy. She was in her mid 70s at this point and had a fierce desire to live! The doctors could not believe the sheer will of this woman! Not only was the tumor in the lungs destroyed by the radiation but the chemo helped keep her up and going for another 16 months. However, by the summer of '06, she began to show signs of the cancer really affecting her. She was still very active in May but when I visited again in September I could see that she had began a rapid decline. Her breathing has been affected by the size of the tumor on her liver and her appetite has severely decreased. She has very little energy and tends to nap most of the day.

I have to say that watching my other parent die right before my eyes is so hard and so incredibly painful. I cannot be with her everyday or even as much as I would like and I resent that my older sister is not doing enough to help her b/c of her own egotistical issues. All I can do is keep on doing what I'm doing and ask for prayers of peace for mum.

Thanks to all of you for your support, love and well-wishes. Keep her in your prayers and I will continue to keep you posted on my trials here in the gym! Thank g-d for my training, however erratic it may be at this point... it REALLY has kept me SANE (well, sort of... grinning).