This is NOT a place I wanted to be at this point in my life... This is the LAST place I thought I would be.... AGAIN, 10 yrs later. How did I allow this happen? Why is it happening again and what am I to learn from this??
The only difference this time around with this particular boy is that we are more civil and I don't have to leave this time, he's leaving. I am not sure that this spot is any better than the other. I still have to find a roommate, we still are in the process of dissolving the entire rel'p and we have to divide the apartment 'stuff' now: utilities, ancillary items. Oh joy! I get to go back out and buy things like an ironing board, pots, pans, glasses, dishes.... It was only 5 mos ago that I GAVE all of these items away to GoodWill (hunting? shoot me now, pls).
I really had my blinders firmly in place last year when I met this boy! The red flags couldn't have been any bigger nor brighter yet I chose to ignore ignore ignore. Pheromones are a DANGEROUS thing for a nearly 40 y.o female. No excuse I know but FUCK! (and yup, that pretty much sums it up). Not even a cute Beagle-Jack mix could save us, ("... it was a cute little black, white and brown puppy who was responsible for us living together"... ouch. And I thought I wouldn't be hurt by you, I thought that you felt differently about me, that you were WAY more invested in 'this', I thought you WANTED to be here with me, ME... um, not so much!)
I wanted things to be sooooo different but again um, not so much....and yes, I learned the ever-so-important rule that WANTING IT does not make it SO.
My friends thought I was off my rocker and falling down the rabbit hole at this point and I must say, I really think I was...and I think I still may be:
Delusions anyone?
(Alice? ALICE!!!!)
Here I go again (isn't that the title of a bad, I mean BAD easy listening tune??)
posted by ABK at 9:58 PM
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