Hook, Line and STINKER

ugh.

ACK.

BLECH.

Dare I say.... ICK?? At times, an unequivocal YES.

I just want to be DONE with this shit now.

As I did my hour of cardio yesterday, I thought to myself, 'Self... '(b/c that's how we ALL speak dont we??)...

Sorry, I digress.

Ok, so, '...Maybe I could just pay for this apt by myself for awhile and then go from there....?? Wouldn't that be GREAT!! ??'

(These are the thoughts I have now while doing cardio... not things like "this is so much easier/harder today" or " wow! I can tell my legs are stronger lately", nope. Just thoughts about my present living situation).

I'm trying to cope, really I am.

Take the 'L' out of LOVER and its -----------> OVER!!

This is NOT a place I wanted to be at this point in my life... This is the LAST place I thought I would be.... AGAIN, 10 yrs later. How did I allow this happen? Why is it happening again and what am I to learn from this??

The only difference this time around with this particular boy is that we are more civil and I don't have to leave this time, he's leaving. I am not sure that this spot is any better than the other. I still have to find a roommate, we still are in the process of dissolving the entire rel'p and we have to divide the apartment 'stuff' now: utilities, ancillary items. Oh joy! I get to go back out and buy things like an ironing board, pots, pans, glasses, dishes.... It was only 5 mos ago that I GAVE all of these items away to GoodWill (hunting? shoot me now, pls).

I really had my blinders firmly in place last year when I met this boy! The red flags couldn't have been any bigger nor brighter yet I chose to ignore ignore ignore. Pheromones are a DANGEROUS thing for a nearly 40 y.o female. No excuse I know but FUCK! (and yup, that pretty much sums it up). Not even a cute Beagle-Jack mix could save us, ("... it was a cute little black, white and brown puppy who was responsible for us living together"... ouch. And I thought I wouldn't be hurt by you, I thought that you felt differently about me, that you were WAY more invested in 'this', I thought you WANTED to be here with me, ME... um, not so much!)
I wanted things to be sooooo different but again um, not so much....and yes, I learned the ever-so-important rule that WANTING IT does not make it SO.

Welcome to my very own MAGICAL THINKING...

~thanks Augusten ... YOU ROCK!

You concisely articulated

my thoughts way more

beautifully than I ever could ~

My friends thought I was off my rocker and falling down the rabbit hole at this point and I must say, I really think I was...and I think I still may be:

Delusions anyone?

(Alice? ALICE!!!!)

Here I go again (isn't that the title of a bad, I mean BAD easy listening tune??)

Ever Wake Up With a Song in Your Head?

And No! That doesn't mean I'm hearing voices...

So I'm on this path to fitness... again. And of COURSE Myron's leading me down the path (to self-destruction??? --->grinning). THANK G-D for this man!! He's the only sane thing I got going on in my life right now! My job is a HOT mess, my living situation is a wreck at best, my sisters are both living together in our childhood home again (OMG!!!!), and my friends are ALL getting divorced (that is, EXCEPT for my best friend who has BETRAYED our pact and is now PREGGERS!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!)

Life is TUMULTUOUS!!

But then, there's Myron...! My faithful friend and trainer who waxes philosophical to me at dark 30 when I am laying panting on the floor trying not to puke up my breakfast he has insisted I eat before coming to see him. I know he secretly wishes that I would just BLOW CHOW all over the floor just so he can gloat (hey! it takes one to know one and I feel truly validated when my own clients do it!)

ok... back to work...more tomorrow!